An Album per Writer: How to Lose All Your Staff in One Go

Metalcatto

I think it was time for me to come up with a way to thank my reviewers, who helped me cover the holes in my game. However, as any toxic manager would, this could also be considered their yearly review letter — because power only feels good when it’s corrupt! Let’s go!

Milo Lane – Jane Doe (Converge)

You know that feeling when you work with someone who has an incredible gift… but couldn’t keep a schedule if their life depended on it? That’s Milo Lane. So what better album than the absolute classic madness of Jane Doe? Anarchist and subversive by nature — punk made by actual musicians. Just like Converge jumps between genres without warning, so does this reviewer: refusing to change or stay the same. Milo Lane’s writing embodies chaos and talent in equal measure, and I’ve made peace with the fact that if one of their reviews ever arrives on time, something truly catastrophic must’ve happened — World War III or, even worse, Six Feet Under releasing another covers album.

Pegah – Antithesis of Light (Evoken)

Never thought Pegah, Batman, and I would share something in common: tragic origin stories. Anyway, now that I’ve ruined your mood, I chose Antithesis of Light because it’s the most depressing album I could think of that doesn’t suck. In fact, it’s a slow-motion masterpiece. Like Pegah’s writing, it’s methodical, thoughtful, and deeply emotional. Pegah always digs into the meaning and symbolism of the music while I’m out here writing reviews during my toilet breaks. But just like Evoken, Pegah treats the sacred art of music writing with seriousness — only the feelings, not the craft, sink into the abyss.

Ixone – Panzer Division Marduk (Marduk)

Every proper Metal crew needs an edgelord (or edgelady), and Ixone is proudly ours. Naturally, the only fitting match is Panzer Division Marduk — an album that’s as aggressive and cool as it is historically upsetting. Let’s be real: it makes historians want to throw up. Still, that rawness mirrors Ixone’s writing — nihilistic, Sovietcore, and allergic to joy. I can already imagine her reading this with a deadpan “ha…” before blasting the most poorly recorded demo ever at 120 dB. You can hate Marduk all you want, but Panzer Division carved its place in the genre’s history. And like most war crimes, we’ve just learned to live with it. At least Ixone’s reviews help ease the trauma.

Elyna Kahn – Ecliptica (Sonata Arctica)

Elyna Kahn was my first writer, so I had to pick something suitably eccentric and neurodivergent for her — Ecliptica, a classic of corny Power Metal that somehow doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out. It’s precise, dynamic, and weirdly soothing — much like Elyna Kahn’s writing. There’s a method to her Power/Symphonic Metal obsession, built around vivid detail and step-by-step structure. I’ll always be grateful that she saved me from the horrors of reviewing endless Power Metal myself. That kind of sacrifice deserves recognition. So here’s to MER’s unsung hero — and the reason I still have a shred of sanity left.

Vicky – Asa (Falkenbach)

Picking one for Vicky was tricky. She’s the most junior reviewer but also the most active — a paradox worthy of a Folk Metal saga. Asa felt right: an underrated gem sung in a dialect no one understands, full of patriotism for places that don’t exist. It perfectly mirrors Vicky’s love-hate relationship with her local scene. The album drifts through Folk, Black, and Symphonic Metal with nostalgia and melancholy, which suits her taste for the beautifully doomed. I did try to find something less pagan — yes, we have one reviewer who doesn’t totally hate religion — but my cringe tolerance wasn’t ready for a deep dive into Christian Metal just yet.

Stargazer Scholar – The Enduring Spirit (Tomb Mold)

Though the Stargazer Scholar is now retired, I had to pay tribute to his exceptional work. Like this album, he demands culture and patience to fully appreciate. Most people don’t realize how layered and refined the Stargazer Scholar’s taste and writing truly is, so I had to pick something criminally underrated yet brilliant. The Enduring Spirit has everything Blood Incantation’s Absolute Elsewhere tried to do — but did it first. It’s progressive, brutal, and meticulously crafted. The same can be said about the Stargazer Scholar’s style: analytical but deeply passionate. I’ll genuinely miss the decency and class his reviews brought to this chaotic landfill. Thank you for your service — it was an honor to be your editor.

Did you think I was going to assign an album to myself? Please. Just pick the best record ever made, and that’s it. Now that’s true narcissism.